Old scars begin to fade just in time for new ones to appear.
If I could, at this very moment, start a new life away from here, I would do it. If I could be given a job, change my age forward about 8 years, and live in a big city, I would do it in a heartbeat.
I would be fine if I couldn't speak to my family. If I knew they were getting along fine without me, I wouldn't look back. I would miss my friends, but if I could at least talk to them online once in a while, then that would be great. If I would just disappear.... That would suck, but I would still go.
I don't think that any of you knew what I was like in eighth grade. I hope you don't ever find out. I don't ever want to be like that again.
But it feels like the cycle is starting again. The fighting with the family. Getting teased by friends. The scissors coming out. Soon the teasing will turn into something worse, and I won't be able to be around my family without wanting to commit suicide. When people start to alienate me, I'll be cutting almost every night.
This post is things that I would never be able to say in person. Because I would be too ashamed, to humiliated.
I don't want to do go there again.
I really don't.
But I'm scared that I will.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
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