I Always, ALWAYS screw everything up when it comes to Boys

God I'm such an idiot.
So I was talking to one of my friends on the bus ride home, and she says "Why don't you text that one guy you kinda like". And me, being the idiot that I am, did.
We don't have any classes together, no friends in common, completly different socila statuses, and we haven't talked since like Sadie Hawkens last year. So now he's gonna think that I'm this creepy stalker girl who has loved him ever since she first saw him.
What was I thinking? I don't stand a chance with guys, and yet I texted him. Goddamnit.
And it's not just with guys I like. Also with guys that I consider my friends. Sure, we talk. We don't hate each other. Yet they'll do just about anything to get away from me. I dont' know where it goes wrong, but it does. And it's always my fault.
Seriously depressing right now. Because on top of the boy thing, me and my mom are pissed at each other, I'm feeling really insecure, and I just don't know where to turn. My friends? I can't get a hold of them, and even if I did, what would I say? "Hey, let me talk to you for the next half an hour about stupid things that totally bore you. And when we're talking I'm going to make these insignificant things seem like they are really important to me, when really they're not." Yeah, they'd love to do that.
I'm gonna go now.
Bye.

My Sappy Romantic Side

So you know that song by Snow Patrol? It's like "If I lay here, If I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?" Well, it's pretty damn amazing. Like it's a really romantic song, and I want to fall in love with someone and have them kiss me to this song and then play it at our wedding and then when we're like 80 have them dig it out and just play it so we can remember what we were like when we were younger and why we fell in love.
You just have to look it up.
I'm just imagining myself with someone, lying in the grass and looking at stars, or kissing as Autumn leaves fall around us. Like in a movie when you see the couple just going through time doing all these things together as a song plays. I want it to be something like that.
Grrrrrr the phone is ringing and distruping my zen, so I'll brb.
God parents can be so annoying.
Anyway, if your in a like mind, then email me and we'll plan an overnight and stay up all night watching sappy romantic chick flicks.
So my zen has officially be blown, so I'm gonna leave you guys and go write or something. Sigh. Actually, my zen is so bad I don't think I can even do that. UGG WHY CAN'T MY PARENT'S JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?!?! I can't wait to get away from here.

I don't really have a topic in mind, so I'm gonna wing it

Hey, this is a quote from a song I'd like to share:

You are my light in the dark,
You are the beating in my heart,
But that is not enough,
Will I ever be by your side

Your hair is dancing in the wind,
Your eyes are burning off my skin,
And I'm so happy when I see,
That you are smiling back at me

You're leaving burn marks on the ground,
Thank you God for what I've found,
I don't know how, I don't know why,
That your my Angel in the Night

You are my light in the dark,
You are the beating in my heart,
Let me hold you now,
Just like this before you start to cry

You are my light in the dark,
You are the beating in my heart,
But that is not enough,
Will I ever be by your side

I try my best to satisfy,
But all you do is where we make it right,
I don't know what I'm gonna do,
But I'm so crazy about you

Even if I don't know where to start,
Even if my love is tearing me apart,
I just know that you and me,
We were always meant to be

You are my light in the dark,
You are the beating in my heart,
Let me hold you now,
Just like this before you start to cry

You are my light in the dark,
You are the beating in my heart,
But that is not enough,
Will I ever be by your side

You are my Angel in the Night.

Sorry, that was kinda the whole song. I only meant to do a couple lines and then stop, but that song is really amazing. Look it up on YouTube if you don't believe me.
And I'm sorry that I was posting really depressing posts. I'll try to be better about that.
So on Monday I went and worked at my grandmother's. Nothing unusual, until I started clipping the hedge/bush. At first I was talking to their dog, but when she wandered off I started talking to the bush. I poured out my heart and soul, confessed some things, realized others, and all in all had a good therapy session. Completely free. But that may also mean thtat I'm going crazy, like for real.
Speaking of therapy, I'm hoping to start soon. I really do want to go. And I hope that this one can figure out what's up with me.
At the moment I'm browsing through gay pride flair, with is pretty fun. Only it irks me that there is so little Pan flair.
This is getting pretty long, so I'm just gonna say that I'm considering Max Thieriot to be a consort/husband. I've had a crush on him for like ever. And Star Wars was the most popular geek movie. So I'm gonna go do the homework that I'm suppost to be doing. Peace.

I hate Life

Old scars begin to fade just in time for new ones to appear.
If I could, at this very moment, start a new life away from here, I would do it. If I could be given a job, change my age forward about 8 years, and live in a big city, I would do it in a heartbeat.
I would be fine if I couldn't speak to my family. If I knew they were getting along fine without me, I wouldn't look back. I would miss my friends, but if I could at least talk to them online once in a while, then that would be great. If I would just disappear.... That would suck, but I would still go.
I don't think that any of you knew what I was like in eighth grade. I hope you don't ever find out. I don't ever want to be like that again.
But it feels like the cycle is starting again. The fighting with the family. Getting teased by friends. The scissors coming out. Soon the teasing will turn into something worse, and I won't be able to be around my family without wanting to commit suicide. When people start to alienate me, I'll be cutting almost every night.
This post is things that I would never be able to say in person. Because I would be too ashamed, to humiliated.
I don't want to do go there again.
I really don't.
But I'm scared that I will.

Something I thought up about five minutes ago

Are we just feathers, floating in the world above?
Brushing against each other by chance?
Or are we fated to meet or true love,
our eyes meeting across the dance?

I want to meet someone.
Whether by chance or by fate.
I want to fall in love with someone.
Someone whom I cannot hate.

Someone to laugh for.
Someone to cry with.
Someone to love for.
Someone to die with.

Somone who will always be there,
Who will never never push me away,
Someone who will treat me with care,
And forever with me stay.

Sorry, that was just really sappy and I apologize for the poor taste and bad writting. I just wanted to get that out. So, yeah.......
In other news, chocolate was, by far, the favorite food. No suprise there. I mean, seriously, whose favorite food is ketchup?? I HATE it!! And, NO ONE VOTED FOR EDWARD YAYAYAYAYAYYAY!!! My readers are awesome!! I'm too lazy to write down the other votes, so you'll see them for yourselves later. I'm gonna go watch Haven and salvaltate over the sexy sexy sexy Nathan Warner, so latters!

Why I hate Life Post #2

I want to get away from here.
This house, these people, my school, this town.
I just want to get out.
It's no secret they don't respect me. If parents are suppost to make things better, then I don't have any parents. My mom can help sometimes, but my stepdad makes things worse. And when my mom gets a migraine as bad as this one, I'm completely on my own.
My stepdad doesn't care about me. He never said "I don't expect to replace your father". He never even wanted to be anything like a father to me.
His children are horrible, and he just encourages them.
When I get upset, he says I'm overreacting and laughs. And he doesn't stop.
Forget about when he took the little kids to see his mom and get ice cream while I stayed at home to take care of mom. What does that matter when his precious little boy and his wonderful friends take over the tv for entire days at a time. And play their games on tables, games that can't be moved at all. Or when they talk through movies, after all "We were just talking about the movie".
When I can't even retreat into my room because their screaming is so loud, where the volume is turned up to where I can't find anywhere in the house where I can't here it.
There is no where to run, there is no where that I can hide. Only three more years, and then I will be free.
Unless I can get away sooner.
There's more than one way to escape.
But who cares? I'm just over reacting, right? Go ahead and laugh at me.
Laugh as I walk upstairs, laugh as I cry. Laugh at me while I try to hide inside myself. Laugh as I lock myself away, laugh as I become a hollow shell.
Laugh as I turn into nothing.
Oh wait, I'm already nothing to you.